so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
