he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
