He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
