I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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