i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
