I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
