Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
i think i just lost a toe
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
