I molested 6 butterflies tonight
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize