Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
