i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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