she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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