So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
