I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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