dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
