My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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