I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I know her cup size but not her name....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
