Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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