So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
