His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
