mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
