I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
