mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize