I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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