this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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