I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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