i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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