So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
