you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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