Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
