Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
