If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
