Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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