I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
