dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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