A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
