Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize