Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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