I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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