This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
