Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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