I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
