Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
