Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
