remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
