This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
