Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
