You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Randomize
