I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
