I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
