I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
