She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
