i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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