I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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