I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
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