Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
