It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
