Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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