Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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