That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm having to shit out rocks
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
