So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
