Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize