She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
