i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
