Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
