i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize