...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize